gimme ma fon,now!

        

'how far now!'.. 'chale,how be?'....'what dey go on?'...are just a few casual modes of greetings,especially amongst Africans..more so in Ghana and Nigeria...pidjin is the unofficial #language used to communicate accross board..it breaks barriers on every level...breaks the ice easily..well if it is not so,it should be!!!..i will leave this #dicussion for another day..i do not wana digress like I am prone to do!

I rember when mobile fons started 'creeping' into my country Ghana. .the first time I really noticed them was at my 21st birthday party I organized at the Labadi Pleasure beach..I vividly rember a pic I have of four of my friends at one table and they all had the walkietalkie fons ,with #antenna and all!!..I couldn't miss it cos they had all displayed their fons on the table like it was an advert for a fon company!..that pic stayed with me mentally and literally till this day..I didn't realize how much till recently when I went to a show and everyone was watching the show through their fons..catch my drift?
           20years ago (yes that's when I had that famous walkietalkie/mobile fon pic!) my friends enjoyed the #celebration and everything else through their own eyes..no distractions..no smart fons ..no whatsapp message pings..no video-ing of events..and certainly no competition..all the fons were the same make..,same blah grey color,and it was meant for calls only!..if you didn't have minutes (we call it credits here and yes with an 's'!..cracks me up every-time!) to make a call you could make a one-ring call or flash the person as we say here, to call back ..speaking of 'flashing' no one could 'hold a candle to me' in that department..I was the chief flasher!..ei,chaaaaaale!!..(just rembering it sends me into spasms of crazy laughter).
          chale,when yours truly eventually acquired a fon (a friend referred to it as a piece of cheesecake so that should give u a general picture! ) which was even a feat unto itself ,I heaved a sigh of relief!....lemme tell you how it happened..after my party I started dating a very persistent Nigerian man..he wanted me to 'upgrade ' my status..
hahahahah.. So he gave me the 'piece of cheese cake' so he could get access to me at all times..hmmmm!..next we had to get a mobile number..that process alone was like pulling teeth!..we did a lot of investigations..asked around saa till we hit gold!..a guy in LAPAZ had a sim card for us...so i had to travel there...lol.. I practically waited in his #shop the whole doggone day before i got the card..and just like that I was 'connected'!.. 
        But after a coupla weeks I quickly realized I just couldn't afford the price of keeping the fon..my 'guy' literally wanted to have access to me at all times so I started leaving the fon at home on purpose so as to have an excuse to go back home ..one day he called me and I lied I was with friends and couldn't see him..he demanded to talk to them and I handed the fon to ma sis to pretend to be my friend and it worked..well imagine my shock when he showed up at my house within minutes and demanded his fon back!..that I liar!!...I dunno IF HE WAS WATCHING MY HOUSE....it was like a movie scene in my house..ma mum witnessed it and I was so embarrassed..he kept shouting in his naija accent, 'gimme ma fon,now!!!'...'gimme ma fon,now!!!"..I didn't want to!..ma mum finally persuaded me and I reluctantly gave it back..till today that story is a household comic-relief story..I didn't find it funny back then but I do now..though I have changed fons over the years incidentally that is the #number I am still using!!! ..

          We've really come a long way from the caveman era when he would just howl like a wolf when he needed his #wife for something and she'd hear it and come running from where ever she was from whatever it was she was doing..I obviously wasn't born then but I can imagine they didn't have any defined accepted language to communicate and there certainly wasn't any #technology to make things better or worse for them,depending on how u looked at it..but I'm sure it was easy for them to get things done and also to procreate cos look at us their descendants today!..I'm sure whenever the caveman needed sex from his 'wife ' he'd just bark or something and she would come running from the bush where she was preparing the game he'd brought home from his hunt that day..and they would grab each other with animal force,engulfing each other in their organic poignant odor and swing from the ceiling (I'm sure there was a tree in the cave with its branches for them to hang on!) and end up on the floor in the wild throes of the jungle-style coupling!!..no words needed..I would give everything to have that experience again!..in my other life I think I was a caveman..yes a #man!...I'm sure paa!..hahahhahaha!!

Lemme backtrack a little..before mobile fons 'arrived' in Africa ,we made use of landlines and later when telecommunications outfits sprung up phone booths 'sprouted' up all over..the rippling effect of that was the establishment of #communication centers or comm-centers by entrepreneurs in almost every corner of the country..you could make and receive calls,for a fee ofcos, there. .I did a lot of the latter..so much so even when it rained I'll be there..during a period I'd been dating a guy who called me #everyday without fail at the same time,rain or shine,so I couldn't afford not to be at the comm-centre to receive my calls..I always maintain he was the one that 'got away'..unconditional commitment and undying consideration for me..I can't say the same for the types of relationships we practice these days..the one I call what-can-i-get-and-not-what-can-I-give ##relationships. .no care,no #consideration,no #compatibility and certainly no proper communication. ..

I don't know if we can totally blame #socialmedia for most of the problems and issues manifesting amongst us but we can say it helped in exposing them and highlighted the seriousness of the menace..social media is just another name for 'the grapevine'....it's just an oldskul and newskul thing..stone-age verses technology things..stone-age versus modern-man..with everything though there are always pros and cons ..everything new almost always materializes out of something positive and then with time the #negatives start to rear its ugly head..then an upgrade is done to get rid of the negatives and things stabilize for awhile then more negatives arise ..and the cycle continues..from traditional shouting to get someone's attention ,or to communicating info or otherwise, to two empty milk tins connected with a string,to walkie-talkies,to mobile fons and now to the smart fon..the smart fon does everything...it's for talking,taking pictures ,recording videos and audio,for browsing the internet,for checking time and #weather, it's an alarm,stopwatch, radio,it equips you with a world of info and knowledge thanx to Google and all the other apps and sites...very powerful device if you ask me!. .and can be dangerous I must add!... these days the kids are exposed to info which sometimes their brains are not developed to properly process..our time you'll to to the library...

When the whatsapp app was created it was such a relief at first. .imagine you could now talk to a relative abroad in real time instead I having to wait for them to record their message on a cassette and post it to you ..and it'll take forever to get to the country (pray it doesn't get missing on the high seas or get stolen!)..then you'll have to go to the post office to receive that package after paying an expensive fee for it..then get home to listen to it on your cassette-player..thank your stars it is a sensible message after all you went thru to get it!..#whatsapp took care of all of that and more...then they upgraded to voicenotes which was so cool cos if you couldn't reach a person on fon all you had to do was record your message and send it to his/her whatsapp number...the person listened to it at his convenient time and responded accordingly ..simple,right? ..well that was the initial plan... nowadays tho,it's gotten so weird that people just rely on whatsapp for all types of 'communication'.. even when they're on dates!..even when someone is in trouble the #person who could help is in a hurry to spread the news so he would rather record it and watsapp it to friends who would in turn 'share it' to the whole world eventually..the term is 'it went viral'...chale!...I'm a whatsapp addict cos it's cheaper compared to traditional fon calls,it is convenient (esp. when communicating with people abroad on different time zones ), it's perfect for staying current with family who've been away for years,you can send pictures and videos in the moment, you can video-call them...but the downside most people don't make actual calls anymore or even use their mouths to talk..I'm also talking about people who are even in the same space with you..you live in the same house and you're whatsapp-ing each other. .I still feel there should be a balance somewhere..only use whatsapp when it's absolutely necessary. .nowadays even during courtship no calls are made to each other. .that really irks me no end! ..edey bore me pass!!!...even when you call them they'll not answer and 'reply' with a whatsapp message! ...'eeeeeiiiii!!!!' ...did I go or did I come!!!..you know one other annoying thing?..when you get a message from a contact on your fon and you reply only to find out it wasn't meant for u but he 'blasted' the message to all his contacts so whether you replied or not,he couldn't bothered!....'aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!'

I have lots of 'fon stories' to tell chale..especially during the times when fon-thievery was on the rise..I rember one time my sisters and mum and I came home from a function and I stayed in front of our house to finish a #call..suddenly a taxi cruised slowly into my lane and stopped..within seconds a guy got out of it and rushed to me..placed a gun to my head and said in a gruff voice,'give me the fon or I will blow your head off'!!....my mind went blank!!..you say wetin??!!..I tink say na dream I dey dream!!!..ei!!!..I didn't think and just threw it over our wall..the fon no dey wear pant!(it was some radio-like device whose back cover had been lost..well that is how someone 'dashed' it to me!)..and it was wearing a belt(I had used a rubber band around it to keep the battery from falling out!)..chale girls abr3!!!...I don't know why I didn't just hand over the stoopid fon to them..throwing the fon away infuriated them cos they were more as I realized one came to join the first one and they started dragging me to their car to do what I never got to find out...I started shouting,'mummy'!!!...'mummy'!!...I know, I am a big baby!..and my whole family flew out from the house ..from nowhere a homeless friend of ours run to the guys to save me..in the process he was hit in the face with the gun and the thieves drove off..I was shaking like the proverbial leaf after that and for days!!!..my savior got hurt and was bleeding..I had to pay well well for that..he came for money from me for hospitals for months that I finally stopped him!..ebe friend or ebe foe!!..aahba!..till today he tells everyone who cares to listen that I 'spoil im eye'!!!...I have also had my new NOKIA3210 crushed by a speeding car!..that day it was me or the fon so I sacrificed my fon but it still kills me to think about it..even now!

You know how we sometimes save numbers on our fons with weird names?..that almost got me into hot waters one time..my 'cheese cake' broke and I had to take it for repairs..oh yes,the naija man gave me the fon back!..I gave the fon to my friend to get it fixed and because my friend was always farting around us I had saved his name as 'TOOSER' cos 'to toose' is pidjin for 'fart'...so now he brings the fon and asks me why that name and I feigned ignorance but chale I SHY..herh!!....later I had a cute fon which I been given by my then boyfriend which I brought to Ghana with me from Sweden..one day I couldn't find this fon and I searched everywhere for it..I tried re-tracing my steps to rember where I could've left it..then the last place turned out to be the 'white house'!!...with trepidation I went there and lo and behold the fon was in the bowl..OMG!..I had to fish it out,don't ask me how!..and of cos it had UNPRINTABLE 'things' stuck to it!!..I opened it after cleaning it ofcos!..dried it..reassembled it and it wasn't coming on..so I took it to the repairer and as he was touching it and working on it I felt bad for him!!..IF ONLY he knew!..I am a bad gyal, I KNOW!..but I couldn't tell him,could I!!...back on fon thievery..one night I was asleep in my room and suddenly I woke up and saw the outline of a person I assumed was my sis cos we shared a room at the time..lights were off so I spoke to 'her' and asked why she was standing there like some vampire bi..then the 'outline' looked at me,seemed startled and just flew outta the room!..I thought I was imagining things..then my sister woke up from her position on the floor..I was on the bed..she just got up and we both realized it was a man!!..ei!!!!!!!!..a thief had eneterd our room !!!..she chased him still half-asleep and I followed close on her heels..when we got outside he had vanished..#everyone else in the house woke up and came outside..it was a cacophony of crazy sounds!..pandemonium broke..someone wanted to know what the time was so I went for my fon on the bed,it was gone!..my sister's fon too!!!,,hmmm!!..usually I sleep naked with just my 'collar cloth' but thankfully that night I had my morning coat on and belted! cos the weather had a nip in it..like the guy go see things paa..naniaama!!..the fool left his dirty footprint on my sister's clean sheets and she was maaadd!..later I teased her that what if he had given her a Jackie Chan back kick to her chin when she just woke up to chase him.. like she go talk true!!!..lmao!!!..

It will get to a time we won't even use our mouths and bodies anymore.. if we want to kiss we would just send kissing #emojis to each other's fons. .if we want to have sex we would just place each other's fons close to each other tightly for like30mins or a minute (you know yourself Mr One-minute-man!) and copulation accomplished ...if you want a quickie hold the fons together for a quick coupla seconds!...I feel like I'm stuck in between the oldskul and newskul eras .. the newskul era is too fast-paced for me and I'm floundering like a fish outta water...HELP!!!...thanx for reading..#shalom #gaylesgifts